Politics: A New Solution

My blog has never been a political forum… until now. Desperate times call for desperate measures, even if those desperate measures happen to take the form of a little fun in the face of impending doom. So let’s have a bit of fun, okay, before the next news cycle…

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I’ve been trying for months now to come up with a way to fix our federal
government. I knew there had to be a plan out there somewhere, out there
in the misty remains of what used to be truth, honesty and integrity. But I
haven’t been able to corral it… until last night.

I was watching an old movie on Turner Classic Movies, when suddenly the
idea of how to fix America finally broke into the sunlight… and it was so
obvious, as the strongest and simplest solutions usually are. Robin Hood!
Of Course! We need a new Robin Hood!

Well, having finally burst that dam, the flood waters came pouring through,
and man was that fun! It’s great, how a mediocre mind can run with an idea, though hair-brained it might be. And however embarrassed I might be after the fact, still I’m driven to share it with you, on the off-chance that you might possibly come up with an alternative idea off the original that is much more useful, and perhaps practical. Hell, it can’t hurt, right?

Okay. So we need a cast of characters, a cast that can fulfill the functions of
the original members of Robin Hood’s band. And naturally we’ll need the bad dudes… god knows we’ve got those in spades! Anyone care to take a guess at who the Sheriff Of Nottingham will be played by? Yes, I thought so. My choice as well! And god knows he has easily enough henchmen to go around. Matter of fact, he has a senate and almost half a house worth, which indicates we’re going to have to come up with quite a large band of Merry Men! Where to find that many good-hearted, well-meaning folk, courageous enough to put up the good fight against the tyranny of The Sheriff and his gang of evil-doers? Where? Why, the American voters, naturally! There are millions of them out there, and if even half of them join Robin Hood’s band, they’ll easily be enough to defeat the bad guys and retake the castle!

All right! I’m loving this, so far. But there are still so many casting questions
to be answered, and they’re not all easy to answer. First, who should play
Robin Hood? Oh, that could be a toughie. We all come from a place of
subjectivity on that one, and rightly so, for we each have a concept of how
bad it is in the first place, and assuming that it needs fixing, how much to fix, how far to go? Being as subjective on that issue as the next person, i have thoughts on that, thoughts which I will now share with you.

In trying to find the exact right Robin Hood, I had to first look into what I
consider to be the problem, knowing the problem would at least give me
a hint as to who to send to fix it. From my perspective, the problem in
Nottingham boils down to a large number of white, wealthy male politicians who are aware their power is being threatened by, gasp! minorities who now legally live in “their” country. This faction, in their not-so-quiet desperation to hold onto their perceived higher ground, have somehow resorted to trying to turn Nottingham into its own country, with the Sheriff as supreme ruler of all. Here we must define supreme ruler as a dictator, because that’s the truth of it, and if we’re going to fight for truth, then by god we’d best start with the truth.

So, to finally get to the point, exactly what is it that is so threatening to the
Sheriff and his cronies? Well, there are many, but we’ve got to pick a few,
just to keep it simple, and doable. So let’s see… people of color, for one.
Women, of course. Non-Christians also, it would seem. Anyone with a
different sexual orientation from their own. In that light, Mayor Pete would
be almost perfect, but he’s white, and he’s a guy. What I think we need for
our Robin Hood is, yes… a woman of color! Perfect! That would certainly
throw Nottingham into a hysteria it probably wouldn’t recover from. And
that hysteria would most likely manifest itself in some of the most radical
and outrageous actions this country has ever seen! Peasants’ villages would
be raided and burned, all residents of Nottingham who did not bow and
scrape to the Sheriff would be summarily punished, hanged and/or kicked out of Nottingham. All notifications and communications to the countryside folk would have to first be approved by the Sheriff, who would certainly edit or discard any thought that did not parallel his own. The Sheriff’s henchmen would lie and cheat to discredit all those who would stand agains him. Actually, we’re already seeing many signs of that… could it be that things in the fair castle of Nottingham are about to get even worse??

If so, then we need to pick our Robin Hood, and we need to pick now! I have
chosen a person who is a natural leader of good people, who has the
experience and wisdom our Robin Hood will need to fight the forces of evil.
And best of all, my person will certainly send the Sheriff and his bandits
screaming up the hall in disbelief and panic! Perfect! My selection for our
Robin Hood, then, is Kamala Harris!

But why Kamala?” you might ask. Easy. For starters, she’s a woman of
color, and that covers two important bases if we want a Robin Hood who
can panic the Nottingham forces into even more stupid and untimely mistakes that will hasten their demise. If she is a Christian, she’s a passive one, which will surely drive Pence (oops, I mean Sir Guy Of Gisborne) slowly mad. Actually, Mitch McConnell would be a better Sir Guy. We need to find a boot licker/ass kisser in Nottingham that would fit Pence perfectly!
Anyway, Kamala is strong and smart, as our Robin needs to be. She is a fighter, a straight shooter, who has an unwavering belief in our Constitution and how it’s being undermined with lies and twisting of ideals which stood for centuries, but are now under severe attack. She understands what has to happen for Sherwood Forest to do what is necessary to finally defeat the wicked powers of Nottingham, and in so doing return the realm to the peace and tranquility it so desperately needs now.

And there are other roles to be decided, of course. Who shall play Friar Tuck? Who shall be Will Scarlett? And Lord Locksley? And Little John? And do we even need a King Richard? Ah, probably not, given that he came back from the wars only when Nottingham was already restored to the democracy it had previously enjoyed. And the role of Maid Marian is now something of a thorn in the casting department’s side. Bill Barr would be an excellent Lord Locksley, and I would love to see Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez play Will Scarlett, if only to further scatter the powers of Nottingham into uncontrollable fear and panic… not that they need much help in that area these days.

Anyway there it is, my new version of Robin Hood. I would guess that many
of you will find fault with my ideas of how to approach these next several
years, and of course you’re welcome to do so. That is, unless Roe V Wade
is overturned, Fox News becomes the only communication we’re allowed,
and our freedom of speech is removed as a right of the good folk of
Sherwood Forest. And lest you forget, arms will no longer be allowed for
any save the Sheriff’s closest subjects. Barring all that, however, Robin and
his band of Merry Men (the voting American Public) should persevere as
they did in the original story… and I think that would make for a hard-fought, but truly happy ending!

Steve Hulse