What is success?
It is being able to go to bed
each night with your soul at peace.
Paulo Coelho
“It’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.”
Trishini Carter 
I’ve written about success and failure before, probably because there are elements of it that fascinate and mystify at the same time. From life experience I’ve long known that a person’s success or failure in life can be decided on the thread of a momentary feeling or decision. One can be initially successful yet slowly slide into the awful oblivion of failure. And another’s initial failure can sometimes rise out of the ashes to become a successful gift that often keeps on giving!
In The Blink Of An Eye
In the blink of an eye
Our lives can be changed
Shot forth like a rocket
As if pre-arranged
A thought or a word
When the timing is right
Can alter, like lightning
The course of our life
We think we are driving
That we’re on a roll
When a circumstance alters
Beyond our control
Do we roll with those punches
Or plot a new course
Are we married forever
Or consider divorce
Are we making the most of
What is ours to give
Are we wasting away
Or still learning to live
Though prophets have smiled
At our foolish endeavors
In the blink of an eye
Our lives change forever
– I think I wrote that a long time ago, but don’t remember…
But who are these people, anyway, these people who have their often preconceived notions of who they are, and of what they are or aren’t capable of achieving? What fiber do they have within them that ultimately decides how their lives will be, how successful they will or won’t be? Because success and failure often serve to define many aspects of our lives, such as who we ultimately become, based on the character we hold within on a daily basis, and whether or not we rise to the challenges that will surely come our way.
Here’s one possibility in this whole hypothetical exercise. We might assume that people who are successful in their work and in their lives simply envisioned themselves that way and then became that person. Yeah, maybe… Chris Christoferson was the embodiment of that. But what about the possibility that they didn’t really believe they could go very far in life, yet did? How does that happen? As you might expect, I have a theory on that.
I have known many people, myself included, who didn’t have very high expectations for themselves, but became, over time and experience, much better and much more successful than they might have ever dreamed. Okay. If that’s true (and it is, I assure you) then how in hell did they do it?
Ha! In the simplest manner you can imagine! When an opportunity came their way, a challenge that they believed to be beyond their abilities, they did a somewhat unusual thing for anyone with mediocre or low self-esteem. They said YES! That’s right, they said “yes” to a challenge they weren’t sure they could master. Then, when they tried, and succeeded in that unlikely circumstance, some of them must have thought, “Oh my god, I actually accomplished that! And it felt great! Hmm. Now I wonder what else I might try, what else might be in my wheelhouse of accomplishments that I hadn’t considered before?”
And there you have it… the seed of possibility that some people are willing to water, at least once or twice, to see what sprouts, what grows and develops. In the above cases, what most likely happened after that was that a new confidence began to grow, a new idea of what might be possible, and that saying “yes” had started it all in the first place… so why not consider saying “yes” to the next opportunity? And the next?
I think that the fear of failure gets replaced by a sense of confidence and possibility, and in that moment the fear loses its teeth, if you will. That fear of failure becomes no more than a cautionary feeling of “Well, I haven’t done that before, but I might be able to…” At that point, Katy bar the door!
“It’s madness
to hate all roses
because you got scratched
with one thorn,
to give up all dreams
because one of them
didn’t come true,
to give up all attempts
because one of them failed.
It’s folly to condemn
all your friends
because one has betrayed you,
To no longer believe in love
just because someone
was unfaithful
or didn’t love you back,
to throw away
all your chances to be happy
because something went wrong.
There will always
be another opportunity,
another friend,
another love,
a new strength.
For every end,
there is always
a new beginning.
And now here is my secret,
a very simple secret:
It is only with the heart
that one can see rightly;
what is essential,
is invisible to the eye.”
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry – The Little Prince
And of course there’s the other possibility, that many of those who accepted the challenge and tried the new, the different thing, failed. Ouch! One of the worst aspects of a failed attempt is what it does to the person afterward. They instantly remember that they didn’t think they could do it in the first place, and dammit, they were right!
“Sometimes you don’t go after the thing…
Not because you don’t want it—
But because deep down, a voice whispers: “You’re not ready. You’re not enough.”
That voice?
It’s not your truth.
It’s your old wounds trying to keep you safe.
But safe doesn’t grow you.
Safe doesn’t fulfill you.
Safe doesn’t set your soul on fire.
It’s time to catch the things you once let pass you by.
You can.
You are ready.”
– Unknown
My own experience with this was an attempt to become an environmental speaker. I stunk, and quickly realized it wasn’t for me. But it didn’t destroy my self confidence, it simply reminded me that my confidence in my versatility had overextended itself, and that I was far more effective in a quiet room with a pencil and paper than I was behind a lectern, in front of an audience who generally knew more about my topic than I.
Now I also want to mention those who wanted to try something but didn’t, as they felt they couldn’t stand to fail, and were unwilling, for whatever reason, to chance failure. Likely their decision to make the safer choices would continue throughout their lives, always making the safer choice.
A note here – the amount of anticipation for success associated with an attempt of any kind can be a definite hazard, depending on the type of person you are. A high anticipation for success can be motivating for many, but also incredibly deflating if one fails. I find that the “let’s just ease into this thing and see how it goes” approach makes any potential failure much easier to handle. Having one’s “really big” hopes crushed can be a tough pill to swallow, and might even dampen one’s enthusiasm to try again.
One thing I know, the average American’s measure of success has much to do with how much you have, how wealthy you are, how important you have seemed to become in the eyes of others. For the record, those elements are not my idea of success. If they are important to you, I understand. But please know that money and stuff are not necessarily perceived as success in the larger world.
Now I have no clue as to whether failure has a more and deeper lasting effect on folk. I tend to think that success has a much stronger lasting effect on us, as opportunity seems to roll in like waves to those who embrace the challenge and find a way to overcome it and be successful with it. Whereas in the case of a failure, it tends to send that person back into their previous circumstance, with probably less hope of ever changing it, or improving upon it. I hate that possibility. It reeks of futility, and personal weakness… even becoming a victim.
But there is yet another type of person, one who bites off a challenge, knowing they might fail, and not being very afraid to fail. And that’s huge, for when one of these brave folk fail, they muster the guts to try again at some point, with a new knowledge of how and why they might have failed the first time. This person will ultimately succeed in life, I can almost guarantee it!
That person has my ultimate respect, for in his/her hesitation to take on a challenge beyond their grasp, there must be a least a flicker of possibility in the back of their mind, that they can do this, if only they can muster the courage to try! To me, that’s a real biggie right there. To first say “yes,” then really try, I mean really try to make a success of that challenge… it’s huge, believe me.
One hypothesis states that “success breeds success.” LinkedIn tells us, “This hypothesis claims that the ultimate success of select persons may be born out of small, random initial advantages that grow ever larger through runaway positive feedback. Conversely, experiencing many failures will ultimately result in negative patterns in your subconscious that will stunt your growth.”
I like the one that tells us, “‘The success’ I’m talking about is simply ‘making a step in the right direction’. It doesn’t have to be a great feat, it may as well be just another crossed out check on your daily ‘To Do’ list (if you use such a tool). If you acquire enough of those day by day (and that is the key – we want to feel success multiple times a day), you will make progress no matter what. It’s inevitable. Not only that, you will also learn faster and derive deeper satisfaction despite the size of your planted steps. Before you know, you will be far ahead and your linear progress will start to look more like quantum leaps.”
This whole idea of personal success and failure is far more complicated than this, I know. Where we are in our lives and where we are emotionally in a moment of challenge will often define how we deal with and respond to that challenge. I think that the idea of Newton’s Law of Motion, which I’m sure you know… that an object in motion tends to stay in motion, whereas an object at rest tends to stay at rest. Put another way that better suits our purposes here, a positive attitude tends to breed more positive attitudes, (and more chance of success) with negativity usually spawning more negativity.
And as Nietzsche said, “If you bring love to that moment–not discouragement–you will find the strength is there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life.”
The choice, after all, is ours. Like it or not, we always have a choice, and with that choice comes our ultimate responsibility for the consequence of that choice. That can be a stickler, I know, but any other reasoning for our consequences will lead us into being victims. Being a victim gives us an excuse for failure, and that’s a horrible attitude to move forward with. In fact, being a victim usually shuts down any thought or movement toward success at that point.
Ultimately, the concept of each of our successes and failures is subjective, as we all perceive it differently anyway. So I guess what really matters is –
1. If we truly feel we’ve done our best, and
2. If even one other person (whom we respect) tells us we did well.. then I think we should reach back there with one hand, pat ourselves on the back, take a sip of our Jameson’s with the other hand, and whisper quietly, “Well done.”
Steve Hulse